To all of the Netflix users who’ve pushed The Emoji Movie to number one, seek god: there’s no room in heaven for those who’ve got a taste for hell.
In 2017, I sat down in the theater to watch a new animated movie that starred TJ Miller and James Corden – mistake one. The second error clearly indicates some sort of sadomasochism buried within me: I stayed until its soul-destroying end, a cinematic gauntlet that felt poisonous and utterly pointless.
Something changed in my brain chemistry that day. I’d seen plenty of bad movies before (Jack Black’s Gulliver’s Travels was at the top of my sh*t list), but never had I felt head-flaming, demented rage like this; could a kids movie truly be this corrupt at its core?
Bad movies aren’t always bad experiences; notably, The Room is a disasterpiece that welcomes re-watches with a crowd. This isn’t like that: it’s the Mr. Hyde to The Lego Movie’s Dr. Jekyll, painfully unfunny and completely devoid of ingenuity, wit, or a purpose that isn’t lining the pockets of the companies (Spotify, Twitter, and Dropbox, to name a few) it forces down your throat.
Stop watching The Emoji Movie
And yet, despite it holding a 6% score on Rotten Tomatoes, not only is The Emoji Movie in Netflix’s top 10 movies in the US… it’s number one on the chart. One viewer even said it’s “finally been given its flowers”, while another called it “unironically amazing” – have you lost your mind?
If you’ve not seen it… don’t. Do something better with your time, like peeling off your fingernails one by one.
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Alas, if you really must know, it follows Gene (Miller), a Meh emoji living inside a young boy’s smartphone who’s forced to go on a journey to fix himself after he cannot control his emotions and nearly ruins everything (yes, it’s also a dreadful spin on the Inside Out story). His adventure also involves Smiler (Maya Rudolph), Hi-5 (Corden at his most insufferable), and Poop (Patrick Stewart – yes, really).
Nothing works: the animation is garish and uninspired, its world completely falls apart if you think about it for a second (we see actual people via YouTube, but its ‘real world’ is animated), and the jokes are as funny as famine. It’s the end boss of product placement, an exercise in force-feeding apps to children; it’d be healthier to place a creche in Times Square.
That said, as disappointed as I am to learn that people are discovering it on Netflix (or, more horrifyingly, watching it again), I’m not surprised. It grossed more than $200 million worldwide upon release, making it a financial success, and kids films tend to perform well on the streamer (The Super Mario Bros Movie has been on the chart since December 2023).
Here’s the thing: there are so many better options. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, The Mitchells vs the Machines, and Matilda are all available to stream right now. You don’t need to settle for slop. And if you’re an adult… let’s just say, even if you watch The Deer Hunter, you’re more likely to roll the dice on Russian Roulette after watching The Emoji Movie.
In the meantime, find other new movies and TV shows streaming this month.
