Sitting in front of my letterbox like an eager little Christmas mouse, I wait. I’m waiting for a Christmas movie to be delivered. It’s not a special edition Blu-ray of Home Alone or an extended director’s cut of Elf. It’s only a humble DVD of an Arnold Schwarzenegger holiday movie. (No, not that one.)
Jingle All the Way might be the first thing that comes to mind, but it’s not the only Arnold Schwarzenegger Christmas movie there is. In fact, the action movie star actually directed a festive flick, and it’s one you’ve probably never heard of because you can’t even actually find it anywhere in the UK.
That’s why I’m on the floor, waiting for the delivery of what is a very questionable DVD transfer of 1992’s Christmas in Connecticut that’s either in German with English subtitles or English with German subtitles (uncustomizable, by the looks of things), or a definite Amazon scam. But I had $2.49 and a dream. A dream of watching my favorite Christmas movie of all time.
Schwarzenegger directed this little movie after a one-episode stint on Tales from the Crypt, and then nothing else — ever. To be honest, it’s hard to imagine why he would’ve taken the project on when, in the year of our Lord, 1992, he was fresh off the likes of Total Recall, Kindergarten Cop, and Terminator 2: Judgement Day. But boy, am I glad he did because this is truly a Christmas masterpiece.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Christmas reboot for the ages
If you’re remembering Christmas in Connecticut as being made in 1945, you’d be right. The original is a Barbara Stanwyck classic — a charming holiday rom-com that tells the story of a famous food writer, Elizabeth Lane.
She’s a family woman, a homemaker, and a talented cook. The catch? It’s all a lie. She’s really an unmarried, single writer who lives in New York. But when her unknowing publisher invites a returning war hero to stay in her fictitious Connecticut farm for Christmas on her behalf, she has to scramble to make her false life a real one.
It’s a tale so lovely that when TNT decided to remake it into a TV movie in 1992, our old friend Schwarzenegger stepped in to direct for reasons I’ve never been clear on, and at this point, I’m not really sure I want to know. (Yes, he has a cameo, but you’re just going to have to do the legwork and find a copy to see what it is.)
Naturally, some modern changes were made to the ‘40s script. Elizabeth (Dyan Cannon) is now a wealthy cooking show host who, with her manager Alex (Tony Curtis), has convinced the country she’s a national treasure. Kris Kristofferson plays Jefferson Jones, who’s been downgraded from a war hero to a park ranger who saved some kids.
Makes Jingle All the Way look like a masterpiece
So, why is Christmas in Connecticut so good? First things first: it’s a joyous romp! A yuletide sensation! Everything about this movie screams Christmas, with Tony Curtis doing most of the screaming in what I would like to be recognized as one of his greatest, most frantic comedic performances to date. With this movie, Arnie understood the assignment perfectly: deliver on the chaos and comedy.
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Everything about the ‘90s Christmas in Connecticut is wonderfully cheap and bizarre. There are more montages than one could ever need in a TV movie, all set to the same jarringly cheerful (and royalty-free, most likely) upbeat background music ever composed.
People fall over for no reason; everyone yells at each other most of the time, and Kris Kristofferson walks around it all, gruff and confused. If I hadn’t seen this movie almost every Christmas for as long as I’ve been alive, I would think it was a result of some sugar-fueled childhood hallucination.
You only need to look at the poster to understand what we’re dealing with. A Photoshop nightmare, punctuated by a pair of enhanced bosoms, a stock photo of an oven, and…is that blood overflowing from the pot on the stove?
The cruelest Christmas trick of all
Moving on. New York might be where the most glamorous Christmases take place, and Chicago might be the cinematic home of the holiday, but Connecticut is where the magic happens. Watching this group of lying, deceitful fools stumble and bumble around this stunning home in the wilderness has defined what the festive season should look like for me for decades now, and that won’t change anytime soon.
It’s incredibly frustrating that the ‘92 Christmas in Connecticut doesn’t seem to exist in physical form. TV reruns are rare, even during the holidays, and a DVD copy is hard to come by (as evidenced by my potentially German purchase).
The only reason I even know this movie exists is because my Christmas-loving mother had taped it the first time it aired, so we had a battered VHS — vintage commercial breaks and all — going with us from year to year until it couldn’t keep it together any longer.
That’s why I’ve been toiling away every year to find a single watchable copy of this long-forgotten (and never really known) Schwarzenegger-directed fever dream. For me…and probably, like, two other people…it means a lot. It’s childhood. It’s comedy. It’s Christmas. And if I have to learn German to get my hands on it again, then so be it.
For more, check out our list of the best movies of 2024 and all the new movies coming soon.
